You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
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I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
When he asks for feet pics
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist