cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
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I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Auto correct is my worst enema.