With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
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me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles