[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
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13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?