Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.