god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
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Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Jail
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
so i’m at the stock market right
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.