DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
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Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
In Canada they just call them geese
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works