(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
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earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.