My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.