To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
You Might Also Like
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
My background check bounced.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?