dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
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Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?