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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.