dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.