[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?