Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
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Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Twitter is an abusement park.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself