before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
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I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button