[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
You Might Also Like
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I can also cook 😂
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.