Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
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[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Oh the world we live in…
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?