How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
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wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Last-minute gift idea!
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in