Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
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You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.