[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
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Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel