[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
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Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
That earthquake could have been an email.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
A sick whale is called an unwhale
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.