Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
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I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
fourth time’s the charm
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind