For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
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Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts