When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
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Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Ovenable?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
lol
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that