Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
I know karate and tons of other words.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Something Saturday.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife