It’s the weekend y’all
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Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
#JohnTravolta
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.