Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
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Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.