My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
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Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Stop sending me this shit.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.