Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Single and childfree like Jesus
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
No one :
Me when I swimming :
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.