I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
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Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
reduce, reuse, recycle
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Baller is short for ballerina
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.