me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
You Might Also Like
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Morning my dudes.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.