Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
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you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak