I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
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My support group can outdrink your support group.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
me 2 months after i graduated
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?