H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant