so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
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if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.