Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
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[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done