Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
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The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
your honor my client chooses dare
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.