[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
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I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
When you “pspspsp” too hard
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”