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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.