me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
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The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.