If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
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doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.