Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
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I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will