Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.