Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I have a new favorite meme page
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I put the h in mysterious.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot