[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
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This is my bus stop.
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Phew
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Phew ✔
Phew
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Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*