I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
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Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa