My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Not today, today.
Not today.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
😆this is so true
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.