you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
You Might Also Like
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
This can never not be funny 😭😭