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At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.